There is little more sobering than a close call. If it weren’t for the anecdotal driving stories I was told back in college, and fast reflexes, life would have been drastically different for me a few months ago. What ended up happening was the adrenaline-junkie drove off in a red car with California plates, his adrenaline high briefly reinvigorated, after slamming on his breaks from speeds about 30 miles per hour to intentionally crash my car.
It never truly goes away. Despite your best intentions, and no matter how good life might appear on the outside, it’s hard to address that inner anguish that might creep in subtly as one bad day after another, with a crash bang relapse, or just randomly. How can we address that stress if we don’t express it? How can we express that stress if we don’t know we’re in it? When the pain goes away?
“Is that… vodka?” Why is it weird going to a bar or being in any social gathering and drinking water or any flavored drink that won’t influence your thoughts? Are we so damaged as a society, or insecure as individuals, that we can’t just hang out with new people without getting wasted? We don’t even ask to receive our equivalent ‘drinking age verified’ bracelets. They’re just given to us on presumption. Why oblige alcohol norms?
Most days are reliable like any piece of furniture, where any decent chair will consistently relieve your physical stress, then there are those few days… Maybe something breaks off from the chair? Maybe there’s an awkwardly persistent smell? Maybe something just feels off when you sit on it? What happens on those days? We can’t just dump the “broken chair” off somewhere and buy a new one. How then can we reupholster our life’s chair?
The situation left me so angry! Inebriation is never the solution for these situations. That’s not addressing the issue. Instead, I will fully recreate the events in my head while exercising. I’ll remember every detail, conversation, and emotion. Once I’ve arrived at the root cause, my mind will become once again calm. Here’s how I break through the water to get to the root cause of the issue taking down my post and my stability.
It’s taken me 20 years to kick this addiction. Or, at least, not giving in daily. Since it’s difficult for me to write about this topic, this essay will probably be good for me. Unfortunately, I can’t find an easy way to say the problem directly. Similar to writing “My Penultimate Trip,” it’s a topic I’ve avoided, and I felt much better after writing that essay. Here goes: I no longer indulge in viewing pornography daily!
There’s a scene toward the end of Cowboy Bebop where two characters eat and eat and eat. They’re in mourning. This weighty scene retains its relevance nearly twenty years later because it’s rooted in fundamentally realistic emotion: they act how we act. We compulsively overeat, and overindulge, when faced with overwhelming circumstances. Unfortunately, no matter how much we eat, we’ll never fill that hole. Even if we identify this vulnerable state, can we fix it?