I did the best that I could to do as much as I could today, but even that didn’t work. I am unable to do much of anything anymore, especially compared to one month, three months, or six months ago. I know I shouldn’t be hard on myself. I know I should think of it with those sort of motivational meme pictures that tout positivity. It’s too bad that emotions don’t care about logical thinking.
There’s a harmful lie we tell ourselves in life, especially as we deal with long-term badness, and that’s that everything’s going to be OK. In the short-term, this is a fantastic tool to overcome adversity, but when you’re dealing with constant problems that don’t get better, or actually get worse, the worst thing to do is to keep considering the Pollyanna perspective on things. Not assessing situations accurately can lead you to significantly more disappointment.
Most of the time, my tailbone is well-behaved enough, but if I walk too fast, my tailbone is like a dagger that stabs into my body to the point where I forget about anything else other than relieving the pain. Usually lying down in bed for hours will cause that pain to go away. I have to wait another week before I can meet with doctors to maybe help me diagnose what’s gone so wrong.
When I last met with this spine doctor, I would barely give him a C, but he got close to a B today. Did he suddenly learn all matter of human politeness and patient care over the course of less than one month? No, the only difference, other than one MRI result, was one question from me: “Can I record this conversation?” He agreed – for personal use – and I found a significantly more polite doctor.
I exist in one of two states currently: either, I am asleep, or I am awake, waiting for the next “thing” to happen. That thing could be an appointment with a doctor, or it could be something more inspired, but it’s a matter of waiting for things to get back to normal for my health, and perhaps the world, so that once more I could get out there and do whatever I want to do.
On days like today, it feels nearly impossible to do much of anything in order to reach my goals. I’ve been sleeping much more. Not so much out of the fatigue that we get when we’re tired for the evening, but fatigue of the spine, that takes me away from things. It’s getting worse and more persistent. At least, eventually, I can begin to argue once more that my life has value to unempathetic doctors.
Years ago, I had considered skating as one of the things that John, one of the two main characters of “The Story,” might do as a hobby. This was back when I was losing weight to become more physically fit to eventually do hobbies like these myself. That never happened. Although it is possible that I could skate, it’s not something I want to risk for myself, so I wonder if John will still skate?
Spoilers?: Minor [fiction versus reality]
WANNA CONSIDER WHETHER ADDING NEW ELEMENTS TO A CHARACTER REQUIRES KNOWING WHETHER THE CHARACTER FEELS COMFORTABLE OR UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE NEW ELEMENT? CLICK HERE TO KEEP ON READING!
My streams have been infrequent lately, so this one was like a return to form, considering I’d spent the past few streams doing art or retro content. What I enjoy about using jank blocks is that I can easily draw diagrams that either help me tell “The Story,” based on lessons I learned writing “Novel 01” to write “Novel 02” and beyond, or, talk about complex psychological topics like the poison/evil everyone has deep inside of ourselves.
Spoilers?: Minor [bleeding out poison-blocks]
WANNA CONSIDER HOW PEOPLE DIG IT WHEN THEY CAN WORK THROUGH THEIR PROBLEMS IN A COMFORTABLE ENVIRONMENT? CLICK HERE TO KEEP ON READING!
It’s hard for me to summarize how I feel in a short sentence with a few words, but inadequacy came to mind, and that feels like an alright place to start. I feel rather helpless in a world that demands so much out of me. It’s difficult for me to do much of anything anymore, and possibly that will change by this essay’s publication. I express that vulnerability online to help me figure out why.
Will I ever be able to visit any park for terrarium-building or exploration again? This seems like a depressive question, and if the accidental call from a psychiatrist I received earlier today might imply, that seems rather concerning, doesn’t it? Fear not, it’s me asking pragmatically broad. I’ve been disabled since April 2020, and I’ve been unable to walk around much more than a few feet without a cane since my spine surgery in August 2020, so…